Tag Archives: google searches

Third Annual Sophomore Novel Angst Google Search Jubilee Extravaganza Celebration

Posted on April 16, 2012 | Leave a comment

Ahoy fine people.  Remember how in my new year’s post, I said I might have to move?  Well, I did!  And I got a two-week-long Death Flu on top of it!  And I don’t want to find out how this transition could possibly suck more, because I’m not sure I’ll survive it!  But, thankfully, I am in my new digs, and yesterday I even kept down some solids.  So, baby steps.  Meanwhile, it’s April!  Besides taxes and sinking the Titanic, do you know what that means?  That’s right!  It’s time for me to give out the awards for our Third Annual Sophomore Novel Angst Google Search Jubilee Extravaganza Celebration.  The following are all google searches that reached my blog.

I continue to be a reliable hit for skittles, weird sexual acts involving horses, and cheez doodles.  Once again, dear public, please do not feed cheez doodles to your infants.  This year I have also become a great web resource for everything toothpaste (probably because of this post) and kidney stones (definitely this post).  If you have reached this blog because you are about to pee a solid object, let me offer my condolences.  And no, as far as I know, 7-UP has no magical kidney stone-killing properties.  The only possible use you can get out of 7-UP at kidney-stone-passing-time is to use it to swallow a shitload of Percocet.

Meanwhile, the “You’re Darn Tootin'” Wisdom Awards go to the following searches:

  • life can be a bitch
  • heresy grows from idleness
  • authorial intent is a fallacy

• The “I love Bob Ross Too” Award goes to: little birds gotta have a place to put their foots.

• Salient Questions:

  • worst writers with novel angst? All of them.
  • why is sex so perverted? Look up the answer for “why is sex so damn fun?”  That answer basically applies to all questions that begin with “why is sex so.”.
  • how in the fuck am i going to pay for college?  If you go by the axiom that the answer to most questions is contained within the question itself, the answer is clearly prostitution.

• “Why, Thank You” Award: damn i love you so much.  “Why, Thank You” Honorable Mention: good luck with shitting.

• “Do They Offer Better Service than PPO boobs?” Award: HMO boobs.

• Best Foreign Language Feature: imagen de jesucristo en un sandwich 2012.

• Cutest and Most Apt Typo Ever: are guys inbarest when they get boners by a girl.

• “Elmer Fudd Apparently has a Citrus Fetish” Award: number of wemon fucked in lifetime.

• Paradox World-Exploding Google Search Award: not googleable.

• “Please Get Off Google and Consult a Medical Professional” Awards:

  • spay gone wrong tied off ureters
  • my husband wants to grow breasts
  • there seems to be an earthquake inside my head

• And finally, would the following searchers please, please contact me and explain what exactly you were looking for?

  • one hour away from being the crazy horse lady
  • magical submission pants
  • you will approve of this animal

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Second Annual Sophomore Novel Angst Google Search Jubilee Extravaganza Celebration

Posted on April 12, 2011 | 7 comments

A while back I wrote a post about the various google search terms that people used to reach my blog.  Looking at the date–yipes, that was over a year ago!  Let us waste no further time, and begin the Second Annual Sophomore Novel Angst Google Search Jubilee Extravaganza Celebration:

• Favorite misspelling of my name and book title: 13 routerays by helena shipiro.  I think this one came in shortly after my radio broadcast so it was probably someone trying to guess the spelling phonetically.  I heartily commend google for actually finding me with this!

• Inadvertent Poetry Award: golden apple music box memories.  Honorable mention for: tulle as snow.

• Many people have reached me googling something about cheez doodles, which I consider a great honor.  A couple of searches found me attempting to find a French translation for “cheez doodle.”  I will be reporting you to the French Consulate and/or Académie Française for Culinary Sacrilege immediately.  However, the most alarming cheez doodle-related search has to be: when can baby have cheese doodles.  Please, please do not feed this to your infant.

• Early on in the life of this blog, I wrote a post about the Crazy Horse Cabaret in Paris.  This has caused a truly horrifying number of people to reach me searching for footage of people doing unmentionable things to horses.  People.  Horses are our friends, not our lovers.

• “This Sounds Kind Of Sexy” Award: i will write a story in french then translate it slowly.  Rowr.  Call me.

• “Why, Thank You” Award: elena mauli shapiro is a sex goddess.

• Salient Questions:

  • how does my immigrant experience relate to the person i am? In many untold ways, my friend.
  • so are you saying that we’re all just, like, really excellent sheep? Yes.
  • four phases of vagina? They are: prophase, metaphase, anaphase and telophase.
  • simile for indeed? I think you may mean “synonym,” and the answer is “forsooth.”  You’re welcome.
  • why do sophomore novels suck? Generally because the author is scared shitless of failure in a way that they weren’t with the first novel, which causes them to freeze up and fail.  Life is awesome like that.

• “Who you gonna call?  Ghostbusters!” Award: vaporous specter fuck off (Seriously though, I’m sorry about your specter problem.)

• Hilarious academia-related searches: the word other as a verb, difference between sign and signifier.  It should be no surprise that these things lead to: post “qualifying exam” syndrome.  Do get that looked at, or it might very well lead to “Fuck This, I Am Going To Clown College Instead” Syndrome.

• And finally, would the following searchers please, please contact me and explain what exactly you were looking for?

  • arachnid tradeshow dallas
  • women shitting pants waiting for elevator
  • حصان مع حصان سكس

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a virtual peep hole

Posted on April 3, 2010 | 1 comment

A feature of wordpress that I find pretty neat is that it tabulates a list of the google searches that get people to my blog.  Most of them are searches for my name, or the title of my book.  Sometimes I wonder who these mysterious people are out there looking for me.  Given that some of them searched for my maiden name (my current name minus Shapiro), some are obviously people who knew me back when I was a young spark.  Some must also be curious students.  (Hi curious students!  I miss you guys!)

Then there are hits from people who were looking for something that is obviously not me.  I do have a doppelganger who is all over the internet, a girl who has my name minus the “Mauli.”  She was a lovely ballerina who was killed by some asshole drunk driver, so there is lots of stuff out there about her.  Pretty sad, plus there’s something spooky about having a homonym who died a violent death–a bit like someone walking over my grave.  Some of the hits are from people out there looking for information about her.  I am frankly creeped out by whoever reached me by googling “9-11 call elena shapiro.”  Why would you want to read and/or hear that?

There are also hits from people looking for information on books or movies that I’ve mentioned on here. I hope my thoughts on them were informative!  Then there are hits of pure randomness.  I enjoy those immensely.  Sometimes they’re inadvertent poetry like “art sex flower” or “words written in smoke.”  Sometimes they’re just hilarious, like “white tiger vs eagles” (was somebody looking for some kind of weird cage match footage?), or “what is academic prose” (I wish I knew).  Even better: “academical prose” (no comment).  Best of all: three people have reached my blog by googling “glandular secretions.”  People, let’s aim to make my blog the number one hit for “glandular secretions.”

And, inevitably, there are the bizarre horny searches.  Somebody out there has a boner for my family tree: “sex with a mauli,” along with several different iterations with the words in different orders (were they looking for instructions?).   Then there is, simply: “elena shapiro horse” (ew–double ew if they were looking for the dead ballerina).  Then there’s the horny search that slides back into inadvertent poetry territory: “making love images” (aw).

So, every once in a while I will make sure to check the growing list of ways people get here.  It’s like my own little virtual peep hole.  Except, online, the door is always open to whoever knocks.

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