Ahoy fine people. Remember how in my new year’s post, I said I might have to move? Well, I did! And I got a two-week-long Death Flu on top of it! And I don’t want to find out how this transition could possibly suck more, because I’m not sure I’ll survive it! But, thankfully, I am in my new digs, and yesterday I even kept down some solids. So, baby steps. Meanwhile, it’s April! Besides taxes and sinking the Titanic, do you know what that means? That’s right! It’s time for me to give out the awards for our Third Annual Sophomore Novel Angst Google Search Jubilee Extravaganza Celebration. The following are all google searches that reached my blog.
I continue to be a reliable hit for skittles, weird sexual acts involving horses, and cheez doodles. Once again, dear public, please do not feed cheez doodles to your infants. This year I have also become a great web resource for everything toothpaste (probably because of this post) and kidney stones (definitely this post). If you have reached this blog because you are about to pee a solid object, let me offer my condolences. And no, as far as I know, 7-UP has no magical kidney stone-killing properties. The only possible use you can get out of 7-UP at kidney-stone-passing-time is to use it to swallow a shitload of Percocet.
Meanwhile, the “You’re Darn Tootin'” Wisdom Awards go to the following searches:
- life can be a bitch
- heresy grows from idleness
- authorial intent is a fallacy
• The “I love Bob Ross Too” Award goes to: little birds gotta have a place to put their foots.
• Salient Questions:
- worst writers with novel angst? All of them.
- why is sex so perverted? Look up the answer for “why is sex so damn fun?” That answer basically applies to all questions that begin with “why is sex so.”.
- how in the fuck am i going to pay for college? If you go by the axiom that the answer to most questions is contained within the question itself, the answer is clearly prostitution.
• “Why, Thank You” Award: damn i love you so much. “Why, Thank You” Honorable Mention: good luck with shitting.
• “Do They Offer Better Service than PPO boobs?” Award: HMO boobs.
• Best Foreign Language Feature: imagen de jesucristo en un sandwich 2012.
• Cutest and Most Apt Typo Ever: are guys inbarest when they get boners by a girl.
• “Elmer Fudd Apparently has a Citrus Fetish” Award: number of wemon fucked in lifetime.
• Paradox World-Exploding Google Search Award: not googleable.
• “Please Get Off Google and Consult a Medical Professional” Awards:
- spay gone wrong tied off ureters
- my husband wants to grow breasts
- there seems to be an earthquake inside my head
• And finally, would the following searchers please, please contact me and explain what exactly you were looking for?
- one hour away from being the crazy horse lady
- magical submission pants
- you will approve of this animal
+
=
NO.
Elena Mauli Shapiro 