Monthly Archives: August 2011

How to win at God

So, my husband’s a total atheist.  I am not.  Let’s say I am agnostic, for the sake of simplicity.  The other day we were talking about what happens when we die.  His answer, of course, is nothing.  My answer is, well, TBD.  Although I think it would be the finest joke in the universe if the light you go towards when you croak is in fact the opening at the end of the birth canal of your next mother.  As in, there is no transcendence, no dead relatives waiting for you at the celestial arrivals gate, you don’t get to look up any of the Big Answers at the Askashic Library, you’re just unceremoniously pulled out of your meat suit to be dropped straight into another that you’re going to have to wire from scratch to walk and talk and remember shit.  Ha!  A freaking infinite hamster wheel.

Anyway, we were talking about what happens when you die, and I posited to him something I’d like to share with you.  It’s called Pascal’s Wager, Douche Bag Version:

You should believe in an afterlife because, whether or not there is one, you win either way.  As in, if there is an afterlife, I get to find my husband in spectral form and go, “Ha!  Suck it, atheist!”  Whereas if there’s nothing and neither one of us exists, he doesn’t get to lord it over me.  Sad, no?  So, the moral is: Believe in God, it’s the only way you get to win the ultimate marital argument.

Emo artist is all emo.

Sometimes my cat will let out these heart-wrenching meows that sound like “Goodbye cruel world!” and will make me run in from another room expecting to find her holding a tiny gun to her head or weaving a rope to hang herself with from torn bedsheets.  But she will just be sitting there in the middle of the floor looking at me with big soulful eyes, waiting to be picked up and petted.  It’s a power trip, really: she wants to know that I will come to her.  And because I am a sucker, I always do.  I pick her up and coo, “Are we having feelings?  Is emo kitty all emo?”  Then she purrs like a diesel engine, and all is right with the world.

Sometimes I wish someone would pick me up from my writing desk and say, “Is emo artist all emo?”  Then massage my ears and make everything okay again.  (Kitty loves a good ear rub.)  I’m just saying, sometimes trying to write this book feels like peeling my skin off.  All these mini allegories I’ve been posting lately are my attempts to psych myself up.  They seem to be working, I think I can feel something coming up through the undertow.  At least I hope so.  I need it to.  My last conversation with my agent was about something annoying, and it ended with me saying, “Well, that’s disheartening.  No matter how little you think of the human species, it is–” (Here I paused.)  She filled in, “It is not little enough.”  Then we both laughed.

Well, at least my agent is awesome.  Know why else she is awesome?  She’s never asked me about my “author platform” or advised me to “build my personal brand.”  That latter turn of phrase especially must make poor Bill Hicks puke in his grave.

Let me leave you now with my Zen Koan of the Day:

So, if this blog is part of my author platform, is my author platform an anti-platform platform?

al-kimiya

Of all the alchemists, I make the strongest pharmakon.  Sacrament remedy poison talisman cosmetic perfume intoxicant cure.  Cure for what ails you.  Drink it to die.  Drink it to live.  It will rip its way through the center of you like a column of fire.  There is no other who can brew one like mine.  Ask all the peasants and they will point to my hut while averting their faces.  They are afraid of me.  But at night they crawl to me like supplicants and offer me coin to give them what they need.

I don’t need your coin.  I am the alchemist.  I turn pain into coin, and there is plenty of that everywhere.  I don’t need your coin.  The way your eyes widen when you swallow what I have to give is payment enough.

Even if I were to give you a list of all the ingredients of my pharmakon and all their measures, you could not make it.  You would scream when the ball of fire rose from the cauldron.  Your blood is not strong enough for it.  Only I can stand there in the center of the flame.  Only I can burn and burn and burn and not be consumed.

You get the leavings, the ashen scrapings of the cataclysm, and you are grateful for that.  Tell me what you would risk for the tang of me on your tongue.  Tell me all of what you are and maybe I will devise a special concoction just for you, one that will destroy the whole world and birth it anew in your searing eyes. Pharmakeia pharmakon pharmakeus, can you tell me what is inside and what is outside?  Can you tell me what is body and what is soul?  Can you tell me what is present and what is absent?  Tell me, if you have the brain the spine the heart the stomach for it.  Tell me.  If you can speak through the burn you may be strong enough to study my discipline.

The Malebolge

It must have been I am here because I have asked to see this place.  When did I ask?  I cannot remember and my guide will not tell me.  What strikes me as I travel down the circles is how scarcely populated they seem to be.  I had expected more people.  Are they all in Heaven?  The virtuous pagans cluster around small fires in the vast emptiness where they dwell, a place that must have been constructed for a much larger population.  At the second circle where the wind picks up and flings those who could not deny their bodies’ need to give themselves up, my guide gestures at all the damned carried by cold gusts and says, “You.”

“Yeah, I know,” I say.  “I thought there would be more of us.”

On through the icy rain, past all the ones who could never have enough, those who push and pull weights against each other, past all the ones who gurgle in impotent fury in their mire, we come to the flaming tombs of the heretics.  “Hey,” I touch my guide on the shoulder, “there’s nobody here.  The tombs are burning nothing.”  “Well,” he says, “turns out God doesn’t care as much about heresy as He used to.  But here, there are more people in the three rings of the seventh circle, look at all the violent.”

Here they are all boiling in a river of blood, those who destroyed things and hurt others.  I look over the screaming multitudes, and note, “Yeah, there are a lot, but you know, for the whole history of the world, it seems like less than I would expect.”  My guide shrugs and leads me on through the forest of the suicides.  I look at the gnarled branches on the squat little trees.  I do not have the stomach to snap off a twig to listen to one of the shrubs sing its story in blood.  “Seems you do not have any quips or questions,” my guide observes.  “You were almost here.”  “I may be yet,” I answer.  “Well, try not to be,” my guide says.  It’s not pleasant.”

Past the trees is a flaming desert with flakes of fire wafting slowly down from the sky.  There is no one and nothing.  “Who used to be here?” I ask.  “Blasphemers and sodomites.”  “I’m guessing, God doesn’t care for them as he used to?”  “It is so.  He is very busy, you see–with them.  With Fraud,” he says, as he gestures to what comes beyond the narrow desert.  The eighth circle, the place for all the liars, built in stone ditches.  The Bolgie.  They are packed, so that the damned cannot move, so tightly are they pressed together–down as far as they eye can see, waning off into the blackness.  I cannot find the outer rim of the center circle, the place where Hell freezes over.  It looks as if this Malebolge goes on forever.  Nearly all the souls that I can see are covered in human waste, and sealed into lead cloaks gilded on the outside.  “Wait,” I say, “this is not what it’s supposed to look like.”  “It didn’t use to look like this,” my guide explained, “but due to the sheer number of the incoming, we did not have the resources to determine which is the liars were guilty more of hypocrisy, which more of flattery.  So we took them all and gave them the punishment for both.  More efficient, and apt, if you ask me.  You see this infinity of false humanity?  This is where almost all of you end up.  Packed here.   There is no one in Heaven.”

I watch in horrified silence.  Where is the end of this place?  It seems there is none.  “How far is the ninth circle?” I ask.  “It no longer exists,” explains my guide, “the heat from all Fraud’s bodies melted all the ice.  And Satan is dead.  Only us now.”

Among the shit-covered, lead-cowled penitent, a solitary woman stumbles backward, naked and groaning, her neck wrenched to that her head faces the back of her body, fat tears rolling off her face and onto her back.  “A false diviner?” I ask.  “Yes.  If you make yourself too much of what you already are, you could be one of those.  Which is a kind of honor, very few of the false are something else than plain flattering hypocrites.  Good luck finding a simoniac.  They’re in there somewhere.  If you would like to visit a few of your nation’s presidents, I could take you to the lake of pitch where the barrators still drown.”

I would answer my guide, except I am mute with distress–for here you are.  Yes, you.  I’d recognize your blank eyes and your pretty mouth no matter how much shit covered your face.  Can you see me, or are you too preoccupied by the weight of your leaden priestly robe?  Seeing you here with all the others, my flesh turns into pain, and I fear I will not be able to escape my own hand.  You, and everyone–liars.  Is that not enough to tear myself out of my body and turn myself into a tree?  Look up, darling, on the Day of Judgement, into the forest of those who have killed themselves, and you will see me, my corpse finally returned to me, its limbs tangled in my branches.  When you see me, I will know, and I will quake to make my body shiver for you as it used to when I was alive.  When I was in it.  When you were in it.  And maybe, if God is watching, He will laugh.