Ahoy fine people! I have just seen the last X-men movie in the theater. It was passable entertainment, helped along by the fact that I want the man who plays Magneto to do dirty, dirty things to me. Also, it imparts two important life lessons:
(1) Do not make Fabio angry. He will fuck your shit up.
(2) Ladies: Always make sure you are wearing saucy black lingerie under your CIA duds so that you can strip and sneak into a sex party for world leaders at a moment’s notice. Note: This only works if you are really hot.
Also, I have found a way to reset my brain after reading way too much about serial killers. What did I do? Did I look at nothing but pictures of kittens until the creepies went away? Did I have chamomile tea and a heartfelt chat with a friend? Did I go to the mountains and commune with nature? Nope. It turns out I detraumatized myself by watching a whole bunch of hideously gory horror movies. Yep. I don’t know why this actually helped. Maybe because the violence was so cartoonish and preposterous that its power was catharsized away.
One of the movies I watched was Pandorum and it royally pissed me off. Not strictly because it was shitty (if I got mad at every shitty movie, I would spend a lot of time mad), but because it was shitty but could have been awesome. Why? This is the part where SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS so be warned.
The movie operated on the following premises:
(1) Spaceship bearing slumbering human cargo towards Earth-like planet is humanity’s last hope. Spaceship crashes into ocean. Spaceship is marooned in ocean while everyone aboard who is awake thinks that spaceship is still in space and freaks out with space madness. There is an awesome reveal at the end when they look out the window to see sea creatures. This is a fabulous premise for a sci-fi movie, please stop there, Pandorum.
(2) Pandorum says, “No, one premise is for bitches. I also want to note that when the passengers have space madness for too long, they turn into flesh eating zombies.”
(3) WHAT? Oh, and also, Dennis Quaid is Tyler Durden.
What the fuck. Seriously, Pandorum, you should have stopped after (1). The script is so ludicrous it reads like eight scripts thrown together in a blender resulting in a movie that was such hash that I was rewriting it while I was watching it. Fuck you for making me work while I was supposed to be entertained, Pandorum.
So, watching this debacle made me hanker for a movie about space madness that executed itself well. I remembered having the shit scared out of me by a movie called Event Horizon about ten years ago, so I ordered it on Netflix. It did not disappoint. I mean, it wasn’t transcendent or anything, but it suspended disbelief adequately enough that I was not script doctoring while watching it. Also, it featured Sam Neil being all broody and insane, which is awesome, and Lawrence Fishburne being all broody and stoic, which is just hot. It also featured one of my favorite hammy premises, which is that physicists are really all homicidal maniacs. I am married to one, so I dig that. What can I say, I enjoy a good frisson.