12 | April | 2011 | Elena Mauli Shapiro

A while back I wrote a post about the various google search terms that people used to reach my blog. Looking at the date–yipes, that was over a year ago! Let us waste no further time, and begin the Second Annual Sophomore Novel Angst Google Search Jubilee Extravaganza Celebration:

• Favorite misspelling of my name and book title: 13 routerays by helena shipiro. I think this one came in shortly after my radio broadcast so it was probably someone trying to guess the spelling phonetically. I heartily commend google for actually finding me with this!

• Inadvertent Poetry Award: golden apple music box memories. Honorable mention for: tulle as snow.

• Many people have reached me googling something about cheez doodles, which I consider a great honor. A couple of searches found me attempting to find a French translation for “cheez doodle.” I will be reporting you to the French Consulate and/or Académie Française for Culinary Sacrilege immediately. However, the most alarming cheez doodle-related search has to be: when can baby have cheese doodles. Please, please do not feed this to your infant.

• Early on in the life of this blog, I wrote a post about the Crazy Horse Cabaret in Paris. This has caused a truly horrifying number of people to reach me searching for footage of people doing unmentionable things to horses. People. Horses are our friends, not our lovers.

• “This Sounds Kind Of Sexy” Award: i will write a story in french then translate it slowly. Rowr. Call me.

• “Why, Thank You” Award: elena mauli shapiro is a sex goddess.

• Salient Questions:

how does my immigrant experience relate to the person i am? In many untold ways, my friend.
so are you saying that we’re all just, like, really excellent sheep? Yes.
four phases of vagina? They are: prophase, metaphase, anaphase and telophase.
simile for indeed? I think you may mean “synonym,” and the answer is “forsooth.” You’re welcome.
why do sophomore novels suck? Generally because the author is scared shitless of failure in a way that they weren’t with the first novel, which causes them to freeze up and fail. Life is awesome like that.

• “Who you gonna call? Ghostbusters!” Award: vaporous specter fuck off (Seriously though, I’m sorry about your specter problem.)

• Hilarious academia-related searches: the word other as a verb, difference between sign and signifier. It should be no surprise that these things lead to: post “qualifying exam” syndrome. Do get that looked at, or it might very well lead to “Fuck This, I Am Going To Clown College Instead” Syndrome.

• And finally, would the following searchers please, please contact me and explain what exactly you were looking for?